Next Time in Swindon - my Fforde Ffiesta blog

Plague!

2012-03-01T00:50:00.001Z

We had a Fforganiser meeting last Saturday. Well, I use the term 'we' in the widest possible sense, because I wasn't there. I had ~~the plague~~ a bit of a nasty cold and I didn't want to cause an epidemic among my ffellow fforganisers. So I stayed at home and felt sorry for myself whilst the rest of them enjoyed cheese and marmite paninis and decided on all the things they didn't want to do and could delegate to me. I'm sure that they were far more efficient in my absence though as Iwasn't there to drag them all off topic.

Obviously I can't really tell you what was discussed, but I need to get my finger out! If you already have your tickets I think that Gill will be sending out a draft timetable to whet your appetite soon.... and if you haven't already got tickets you need to buy them - it all looks jolly good fun!

Crosswords

2012-02-21T23:56:00.000Z

I'm currently trying to compile a crossword for the Ffiesta, and it's proving quite tricky - there have been a few cross words muttered in our house, I can tell you.

When I was young, my dad used to do the Telegraph crossword every day and he used to let me help him. (Disclaimer: I have no idea why he read the Telegraph, which does not reflect his political views at all (for those of you not from around here, the Telegraph is often known as the Torygraph and is rabidly right wing)) Anyway he taught me a lot of tips and wrinkles for working out the answers, so if a clue said that something was muddled or mixed up you could be pretty sure that you were looking for an anagram and 'sounds like' indicated that there would be homophones involved. 'Sappers' in the clue meant the Royal Engineers and you would find the letters RE in the answer, things like that. After a while I got to be quite good at solving the clues and I even began to recognise the different compilers - you can start to see the way their minds work when you get used to their individual styles.

I admired the way that the lady across the road could solve a crossword in a few minutes - I was a bit surprised by this, because I knew she didn't even know how to spell words like essential - she used to ask me. Admittedly it was only the quick crossword, but nonetheless I thought she must be very clever. One day I looked at the completed grid and it was only when I thought 'Hang on, there isn't such a word as PFXT!' that I realised how she did it. She would put in the answers she did know and then fill in the rest of the squares with random letters! I was much less impressed by her skill after that.

I was reminded of this whilst trying to get the words in my crossword to intersect in any way at all and am strongly tempted to add in or take out a letter here and there just to make the wretched things fit. Still I shall persevere and you may see the results in June.

Oh, and don't try and get an insight into the way my mind works from my crossword, you'll only end up feeling sorry for me.

Pie!

2012-02-20T23:19:00.000Z

Out shopping the other day I bought a cherry pie as a bit of a treat. It looked delicious, all golden brown with sugar sprinkled on the top. Ted was a bit peckish when he got home from work, so he had a piece whilst I was cooking tea. He ate it with no complaints. After dinner I sat down with a cup of tea and a slice of pie. One mouthful and - urgh, it tasted disgusting! That wasn't sugar on the top, it was salt, and it was not nice! I'm not sure if my culinary experiments have fried Ted's tastebuds, or if he just inhaled his without tasting it, but when I asked him if he'd noticed anything wrong he just said 'I thought it tasted a bit weird'.

I took the remainder of the pie back and got a refund. There had obviously been a problem with a whole batch, because when I was waiting at Customer Services the chap behind the counter just said 'Salty pie?' when he saw what I was carrying and gave me my money back.

It reminded me of Shades of Grey where all sorts of substitutions are made when there are problems with the availabilty of ingredients. You will no doubt be pleased to know that we are not planning any similar taste sensations for the Ffiesta, although of course one never knows what unlikely sounding combination of foodstuffs will taste good - cheese and pineapple, pork and applesauce, peanut butter and jam (jelly), prunes and bacon, raspberry, papaya and chamomile - oh no, that last one is my shampoo.

Marmite chocolate anybody?

Whodunnit?

2012-02-18T10:52:00.001Z

This year we are having a Murder Mystery, so don't annoy Elizabeth, or you may end up as a corpse. We did have a Murder Mystery once before, but it was over dinner and rather static, whereas this one will take place in various locations around the hotel. The Fforganisers will be the suspects and you will have the opportunity to question us about motives, means and opportunities. I can tell you that if Ted is a dead body you would do well to place his sister at the top of your list of suspects. I'm surprised that she hasn't murdered him before as he really knows how to wind her up and she has a bit of a temper to match her hair! (They love each other really)

There is no point asking me for hints, as I don't know whodunnit, but it sounds like it should be fun.

Psycho biscuits! WARNING contains Fourth bear Spoiler

2012-02-16T07:39:00.000Z

We had the 'biscuit or cake' discussion at work recently, which led into a digression about the difference between biscuit tins and cake tins. We decided that this is simply that cake tins are used for keeping cakes in, whereas the common or garden biscuit tin is used for the containment of biscuits and jaffa cakes.

I was able to insert a reference to 'The Fourth Bear' into the discussion by pointing out that the difference between cakes and biscuits is an important plot point. Although I do feel that, cake or biscuit, the Gingerbread Man was always going to turn soggy and disintegrate under the full force of the fire sprinklers.

Anyway Tyke has developed quite a fondness for Gingerbread men, despite the fact (or perhaps because) everytime I buy him one I chase him down the arcade with it yelling 'Psycho biscuit!' and he runs away giggling.

I rather fear that in years to come he will find me an embarrassing grandma. Mind you, I don't think that that's as embarrassing as my dad making me and my brother and sister line up outside the bakers, with out noses pressed to the window, and instructions to 'Look hungry and a bit pathetic, maybe they'll take pity on you and give you free cakes' every time he went into that same bakers when we were little. Fortunately bought cakes were a very occasional treat in our house when I was small, as my mum is a super cake maker and we usually had delicious home made ones instead. Otherwise I think we might have been taken into care for vagrancy and begging! Mind you this is the all the same bakers as the one where my ex husband worked until he ran off with the shop manageress, so I think they might have a very distorted view of me anyway, so chasing a small child whilst brandishing a biscuit is probably considered merely slighly odd.

Tyke and I have also taken to practicing our biscuit making in preparation for the Ffiesta, something else to which he has taken with great enthusiasm. Just a small tip, if you are offered a gingerbread man/lobster/transient moose/dragon at the Ffiesta, I'd stay away from those with a slight marbling of grime (goodness knows where that comes from, I'm scrupulous about making him wash his hands) or those which have been 'pre-tasted'!

Guess Who Again!

2012-02-14T00:21:00.000Z

The main reason why I called my post 'Guess Who!' yesterday was because I intended to mention that one of our new events is going to be a human 'Guess Who!' but I got sidetracked and didn't say anything about it. Nought out of ten for sticking to the point. Must try harder.

Anyway I use the term 'human' with some reservation. It is to be based on characters from the Ffordiverse with special reference to the Nursery Crime books, so will contain aliens, bears and gingerbread men along with Mrs Danverses and members of the NCD. No veruccas though you will be pleased to hear.

The reason I called it 'human Guess Who!' is because all the characters will be played by humans, that is any of you who come along to the Ffiesta and who want to join in. I assume that you are all human anyway.

It could be fun, or it could be not, but unless we try we'll never know. It'll be an opportunity for a bit of a sit down anyway.

Guess Who!

2012-02-12T23:54:00.000Z

Oh dear, this blog has been sadly neglected of late. Nought out of ten for effort Mrs Kiely, must try harder.

But just because I haven't been posting doesn't mean that I haven't been Fforganising. We have already had a number of fruitful meetings and there are lots of things afoot, of which more later.

Now I know that for some of you custom cannot stale the infinite variety of the Ffiesta but we like to tweak things to make them even more enjoyable, should such a thing be possible, so this year we'll have some new things and some old favourites. Some of the events which are returning will be served up with a twist. Name that Fruit will be back all shiny new and improved (fret not, the Wonky Wheel will still be making an appearance) those wishing to do the Speed Soliloquy will have a choice of speeches (Hamlet or Richard III) and Literary Karaoke will be making a return, We are also hoping to do more with the 'Getting to Know You' game. Ooh, exciting!

Da Ffiesta Code

2011-08-24T23:25:00.000+01:00

As any of you who are members of the Ffiesta facebook group will know we had our ffirst proper Fforganisers meeting last Saturday, and now I'm getting excited all over again.

We've got loads of exciting things planned, who knows how many of them will come to ffruition, and of those that do, who knows how many will be absolute pants (none of them, that's how many - they will all be ffab!)

Several of the ffeedback responses said that you would like us to take the 'Getting to Know You' game a bit ffurther and do something in teams so we are planning ...ta-dah! A Team Treasure Hunt! With codes and ciphers and silly things to do. I think I'm in danger of getting carried away and organising some mammoth thing (I don't mean with mammoths, though that's always a possiblility, I just mean something that gets out of hand) I could do it in several layers, so that clues lead to clues, or just one set of clues leading to the answer. I don't think it should go on too long, but on the other hand I'd like there to be a bit of variety, which means it needs to be a bit more involved. I don't want to say too much and spoil it, but I would like to know what people think. Do you all like codes and ciphers and secret treasure maps? Or would you rather just go to the bar? Of course you can go to the bar and work on the clues, so that's the best of both worlds then!

In other news Ted is having great fun playing with the barcode scanning app on his new phone. So far he has discovered that a spray bottle of Dettox comes up as some sort of iPod accessory costing £4.95 and that a pack of 4 muffins in Asda on special offer for £1, costs ...£1. Still, even though we are not particularly having a 'Shades of Grey' theme for next year, I'm sure we can do something interesting with bar codes. And that's not something I often find myself saying!

Next Thursday....

2011-06-16T00:06:00.000+01:00

...I shall be in France, living in a cave - woo hoo!

Anyway, I'm not quite sure why I thought it might be a good idea to write a post about the Thursday Next series, but I did, so I will. This really is a series and Jasper is up to book six. We have; The Eyre Affair, Lost in a Good Book, Well of Lost Plots, Something Rotten. First Among Sequels, and One of Our Thursdays is Missing. I am not going anywhere near the plot lines but I will try to describe the setting and background pick out some of the main themes. If you do come to a Ffiesta it is probably a good idea, though not essential, to have some sort of a grasp of these. It makes the whole event a little less bewildering, though for some people that sense of the surreal is what gives the whole thing its edge.

Anyway, the books are set partly in an alternative Swindon, and partly inside fiction. In Thursday's world England is a republic, headed up by President-for-life george Formby. Wales is a socialist republic and Scotland has quite possibly been set adrift. The Crimean War, of which Thursday is a veteran, is still going on at the start of the first book, though it is brought to an end by Thursday's intervention and we have to offer the Russians Tunbridge Wells as war reparations.

There is a very substantial duty on cheese which makes for a thriving black market.

Technology is not like ours - there are no planes (well, no jets, though you might get the odd bi-plane, though these are rare) instead you might travel by gravitube, airship or monorail.

Thursday works for Literatec, which is one branch of a sort of multi-purpose police force. In Thursdays world fiction is big business and fictional characters enjoy the sort of cachet which film and sports stars may enjoy in ours, only more so... instead of Jehovah's Witnesses you may have Baconions knocking on your door trying to convince you that Shakespeare wasn't the author of his own plays, and rather than football cards children swap fictional charaacters. Literatecs deal with forgeries and illiegal book dealing. Other branches of SpecOps deal with Vampires and Werewolves (Suckers and Biters), Horticultural Enforcement (Weeds and Seeds) Weird Shit generally and Time Travel (Chronoguard) Thursday's father Colonel Next is a chronoguard officer and flits about in time.

Cloning is common and can be done quite simply at home with cloning kits (to find out how, read New Splicer) and dodos are common pets (Thursday has a dodo called Pickwick). Mammoths roam the land and many other creatures have been brought back from extinction - and others have been created by over-enthusiastic home cloner/splicers. Among the creatures brought back are neanderthals and Thursday finds herself working closely with one named Stig.

Much of english life is under the control of a large and sinister corporation named Goliath (from the cradle to the grave) who have a finger in many pies, they control much of the media and have great influence in SpecOps and politics generally - though President Formby remains incorruptible.

Thursday has an eccentric genius Uncle, Mycroft who is responsible for many wonderful inventions - translating carbon paper, the ovinator, unscrambled eggs, and the prose portal amonst other things. The prose portal can be used to enter books and is used for nefarious purposes by a supervillain (Acheron Hades) who manages to kidnap Jane Eyre and hold her to ransom. Many of Mycroft's other inventions also play important roles in the stories. He is assisted by his wife, Polly, since his previous assitant was meringued. Mycroft is an afficionado of trashy TV shows and particularly enjoys watching name that fruit.

Thursday learns that she can enter fiction, initially via the Portal but later under her own auspices and whilst there works for Jurisfiction. Other Jurisfiction agents include Miss Havisham, Mrs Tiggywinkle, Gully Foyle, the Emperor Zhark and Colonel Bradshaw, who just happens to be married to a gorilla.

There's lots I've missed - croquet, earth crossers, Landen, GSD, Zvlkz, battenburg, Hamlet, Emma Hamilton, Friday, Tuesday, Jenny, angel delight, Spike and Cindy, minotaurs, Mrs Danverses.. I could go on and on, and it probably feels like I have, but this post is beginning to feel like a novel in itself, albeit one with out a plot so I'll stop now. I may say some more about this another time, but if you want to know more read the books, it's a lot more enjoyable than me wittering on

Feeling Blue

2011-06-12T23:51:00.000+01:00

I'm not actually feeling blue, except maybe a little bit because it's Monday tomorrow and I have done nothing useful all weekend, but I'm now going to talk about Shades of Grey (SOG) so thought I'd jam in a gratuitous colour reference.

SOG is another series that isn't because we have, as yet seen only one book, but it's my favourite. SOG2 (Painting by Numbers) is planned for 2013.

SOG is set in Britain in the far distant future in a colourtocratic society, in which there is a caste system in which your position is dictated by the colours that you can see. Society is run according to strict but arbitrary rules laid down long ago by Munsell and enforced through a system of merits and demerits. When Eddie Russett, a Red, falls foul of the rules he is sent to East Carmine in the outer reaches of civilisation to carry out a chair census. He travels with his father who is to act as relief Swatchman - a kind of doctor who treats people with the application of various hues. On the way to East Carmine he doesn't see the last rabbit, but does encounter a grey (a member of the lowest stratum of society) named Jane.

Once he reaches his destination he again meets Jane and discovers that there is a sickness at the heart of society...

Again I'm not going to spoil the plot (too much, though I'm sure that you'd guess very early on in the book that something is rotten in the state). Plus as it is only the first episode I don't know what's going to happen anyway.

It'a dystopian fiction, but funny dystopian fiction. We had lots of fun at the 1985 Ffiesta with some of the themes. There's the absurd rules, the dress codes, the requirement to have a hobby from a list of approved hobbies, the fact that everybody/every creature is born ready bar coded, the constant fear of swan attacks and lightning, the need to look after your spoon - nobody may manufacture spoons, so it is advisable to guard yours well and keep it with you at all times. We were also very fortunate in that the Last Rabbit was able to attend, in fact looks set to become a regular attendee!

Anyway Jasper has said that the society of SOG is meant to feel like an english boarding school, bad food and requirement to take part in games and all. It's certainly a far cry from Mallory Towers or Hogwarts, but none the worse for that.

As I said it's my favourite Fforde book so far, but I think it might be more of a Marmite book than his other work - brilliant with toast!

A Strange story

2011-06-12T00:41:00.000+01:00

It seems a bit odd talking about the Dragonslayer series because there has only been one book published so far, though those of us attending the Ffiesta did have reading from the as yet unpublished 'Song of the Quarkbeast' the second volume in a planned trilogy.

Anyway the Dragonslayer books are set in the Ununited Kingdoms. Here magic still exists, albeit in a much weakened form and hedged about with rules and regulations. It is used for rather more mundane things than one might expect - pizza delivery, re-wiring houses and unblocking drains for example.

Jennifer Strange, foundling of Our Lady of the Lobster, appears to have her hands full with managing the day to day running of Kazam, following the absence of the Great Zambini. Kazam is a House of Enchantment employing a number of sorcerers of varying, but much reduced ability. However Jennifer's life becomes that bit more complicated when she learns she is the Last Dragonslayer - you will no doubt be surprised to hear that this role involves slaying the last dragon, something she is most reluctant to do.

Again, I'm not going to ruin the story for you by recounting the plot, but suffice it to say that with the aid of the Quarkbeast (part labrador, part velociraptor, part food blender) Tiger Prawns (another foundling, newly indentured to Kazam) and a supporting cast including the sorcerers and William of Anorak, (who is, well, a bit of an anorak) Jennifer fulfils her destiny and outwits those who seek to benefit from the death of Maltcassion (the last dragon).

Although enjoyed by adults (well by me anyway) Dragonslayer is billed as YA fiction and is probably an easy way in to Jasper's work if you want to try it out. Go on, you know you want to

The Next thing

2011-06-10T00:55:00.000+01:00

For my next trick ladies and gentlemen I shall attempt to explain the works of Jasper Fforde to those of you who have never read any of his books. After which I shall recite the entire works of Shakespeare backwards in Esperanto. Which may make more sense. And be easier.

Okay. To date Jasper has had 10 books published with more in the pipeline (hooray!). These books belong in 4 separate series; Thursday Next, Nursery Crime, Shades of Grey and Dragonslayer.

I'm going to start with the Nursery Crime series and break you in gently, as these are probably the easiest to explain. They are basically police procedurals/whodunnits set in Reading. So far so ordinary. However this is not the everyday Reading that you may know and love, or even Reading in festival mood. This Reading is populated by nursery rhyme characters living side by side with ordinary people and there is a special police division (Nursery Crimes Division or NCD), headed up by Jack Spratt and his sidekick Mary Mary, which investigates crimes involving PDRs (Persons of Dubious Reality). The NCD also has, amongst its other members, a binary speaking alien love interest for Mary in the shape of Ashley. We are also granted a look at Jack's somewhat complicated home life with his wife, children and step-children, and the lodger, Prometheus.

There are so far two books in this series. The Big Over Easy tells of the investigation into the death of Humpty Dumpty and The Fourth Bear involves the disappearance of Goldilocks. There's more, much more to it than that though. I don't propose to go over the plot of either book, but just to give you a flavour, we have a homicidal biscuit (or possibly cake) porridge smuggling, a giant verucca, the Jellyman, mad scientists, Dorian Grey as a used car salesman, exploding cucumbers and a beanstalk just to mention a few things!

Confused? Want to know more? Go read the books!

Doing silly things and dressing up

2011-06-09T00:56:00.000+01:00

Since the Ffiesta a number of my non-Ffiesta ffriends have remarked on the photos and videos that I have posted on Facebook, and I've had a lot of questions ranging from 'What's the FFiesta?' 'What do you actually do there?', 'Why are you all dressed up like that?', 'What have lobsters got to do with it?' and 'Wherever can you go on a bus tour of Swindon?' to 'Why is Tyke wearing a tea-cosy?' (from my mother) and 'Is it anything to do with the quiz?'. Oh, no sorry, that one was from the reporter!

This blog post is a possibly vain attempt to answer some of those questions.

The Ffiesta is a weekend of silliness inspired by the works of Jasper Fforde. Jasper is a big part of the events. He gives a reading from one of his books - one yet to be published - does a question and answer session, narrates at least one of the bus tours, sits on the judging panels and conducts the auction as well as taking part in some of the other events. In addition he is around for virtually the whole weekend and mingles with the attendees.

However although without Jasper we would just be a bunch of people doing silly things at random, the books are often just a starting point for the events.

Some things are taken fairly directly from the books, for example Danverclones feature heavily in the Thursday Next series, so we have a record breaking muster of Danvers complete with marching songs. We all know that Mycroft loves to watch 'Name That Fruit' so we draft in Frankie Saveloy (and his lovely assistant) and play a round or two. Thursday plays croquet so we have twice featured croquet at the Ffiesta. The audience participation Shakespeare came from Thursday and Landen's visit to the Ritz to see Richard III, and developed from there.

Some things are more peripherally related to the books - lobsters are a recurring, though minor, theme in the Ffordian canon which was taken up in 'Hunt the Lobster' and 'Lobster Space Invaders' though what the latter has to do with lobsters is anybody's guess! (Kudos to Derek for his 'claw and step' manoeuvre though)

Other things don't really have much to do with the books at all, we just thought they might be fun - lego building, crusty cards, talent show, hanging out in the bar etc.

As for what you can see on a bus tour of Swindon, just use your imagination - or borrow Derek's/Jasper's. There's the seven wonders for example (though we didn't manage to take in all of them this year), the magic roundabout, Spec-Ops HQ, the carpet shop and the roundabout nursery. Plus the opportunity to eat ice-cream!

In summary I think I can say that most of our time at the ffiesta consists of doing silly things and dressing up as per the title of this post.

Incidentally mother, that isn't a tea cosy, it's a fruit-bowl hat!

Next time in Swindon...

2011-06-06T23:05:00.000+01:00

So the Ffiesta is over for another year, and I have just about recovered. I think it went well....
Work has already started on the next one. Mrs Neal is busy collecting your feedback - which we really are interested in, so we can see what people enjoyed and what they didn't, Matt is setting up the new website and I am back to sharing my bedroom with a crateful of plastic lobsters. I have already started writing next years quiz. What that means is that I have written a few questions and jotted down some ideas which, lulled into a false sense of security I shall then put away and forget until two days before the next Ffiesta when I shall scrabble around trying to find it and frantically write the rest.

I am getting pretty good at reciting the soliloquy though. I am trying to teach it to Tyke, who thinks it is hilariously funny to hear me declaim 'To be or not to be' with great feeling ( I am going for accuracy before I start on the speed!)

What a way to spend a weekend!

2011-05-29T13:45:00.000+01:00

Here I am, hiding in the bathroom waiting for Tyke to fall asleep. He is completely knackered, but doesn't want to miss anything, and if he can see me he won't lie down. Two floors below me tension is mounting in the speed lego challenge. I'm not sure who is ahead, but it likely to be a close run thing and may well be decided on penalties. We have postponed the Panto for an hour because some of the performers are involved in the Lego, and I'm not sure that a Midsummer Nights Dream will be quite the same without Mrs Danvers and the Minotaur! Oh, wait, maybe it will be... but it won't be entirely in the spirit of the Ffiesta. (Actually Mrs Danvers isn't in the Lego, I think she is off practising her custard pie technique)

Anybody who gets spattered with custard pie in the Panto needn't worry too much, Lobster Space Invaders starts shortly afterwards and that'll wash it all off!

After that I'm taking a rest before channelling Mother Zenobia for the Gala Dinner/Fancy Dress/Next Factor!

Ffiesta! Fiesta! Fiesta!!

2011-05-28T07:07:00.000+01:00

Well, we're here, time to see if all our hard work pays off!

We held the Publess Quiz last night and it seemed to go down very well, despite a wrangle over the Tour de France. Don't people listen when I tell them I am always right? Congratulations to 'Don't hit badgers with spoons', who were, as was pointed out to me many times, 'the largest team in the room'. Never mind, they still only got six bottles of wine between them and the rest of you did get Haribo! To be honest it was a bit of a shame that the teams were so large and that there were so few of them, but that was dictated by the layout of the room. We should have got the chainsaw out and cut some of those tables in half. I am sure Mrs Neal will have brought one with her!

Just before the Quiz started we were interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. Photos were taken of various fforgansiers with lobsters, dodos and George Formby. Poor chap (reporter, not George Formby) was more than a little bemused. He held on to the notion of the quiz like a teenager clings to their mobile phone. Every time we suggested a different prop he asked rather plaintively 'Is it to do with the Quiz?' I suspect that the photo that shows up will have a one of the jokers (and no, I don't mean Phil!) featured prominently.

Anyway I'm off soon to help set up, and to plant the lobsters about the hotel.

For those of you actually here at the Ffiesta the 'Meet the Fforganiser' posts from this blog will be displayed and you can win a Crusty Card by picking out all the fabrications (and only the fabrications). And if you are here, come and say hello - I'll see you at registration/the opening ceremony.

No more sleeps...

2011-05-27T08:32:00.000+01:00

..before we set off for Swindon. I do hope I don't forget anything, but I'm sure we'll just muddle through anyway.

I can't (and probably shouldn't) tell you how close run a thing it has been getting everything ready on time. Some of this is due to my usual talent for procrastination, but I have had a series of minor domestic disasters, including visits to A&E, which have caused even further delays. And of course having a dissertation to write in the middle of all the preparation wasn't too helpful either. I nearly went into a full blown panic last night over the laminator. My darling daughter put one of the pouches in backwards and I think we can all guess how well that turned out.... one very gummed up and completely borked machine. I nipped out to buy a new one and it ate the second thing we put through it. And no, she hadn't put the thing in the wrong way again (I checked). I did get it exchanged, but it isn't brilliant, lots of things have come out a bit wavy!

Anyway, it's all done now, or if it isn't if probably won't be, unless Mrs Neal can wrestle triumph from disaster and knock up a map of the world from two bits of string, a discarded egg carton and some glitter glue. She probably could if needs be. She tells me she has been crocheting strawberry earrings for Lola - who is making a special guest appearance in 'Name that Fruit' and will be spinning that wonky wheel!

I think Laura is bringing the eternal flame on the bus... not sure if that's better or worse than having to transport George Formby.

I now have to drop the dog off at my parents, pack the car and get Ted out of bed on his day off, so I'd better get moving.

We start with the Quiz in what was the Avon Suite tonight and the Ffiesta proper kicks off tomorrow with registration. Bus tours and other exciting events throughout the day.

Woo hoo!

Laminating

2011-05-23T23:40:00.000+01:00

I've had a bit of a stressful day today. My dad phoned me at quarter to six this morning, to ask me if I'd just phoned him. No....no, I didn't, I was asleep. Of course after that I was wide awake, but instead of doing something useful I frittered away the time before I had to get up.

This afternoon I took some of my team out for tea, only to discover that I had left my debit card in my other handbag. 'No problem' I thought, 'I'll use a credit card'... Declined! 'Must have keyed in my PIN wrong' I thought. Nope, declined again. Then I noticed it had expired at the end of March, though I could have sworn I've used it since. I had to borrow a tenner from Vindy, in order to buy her a drink. Let that be a warning to you, if ever I invite you out for a bevvy, decline. Or bring plenty of money.

When I eventually did get home I felt rather frazzled, so I've been doing some laminating. I always find it rather soothing, and now I have some nice shiny things for the Ffiesta. Gill meanwhile has apparently been communing with dodos.

Panic Stations

2011-05-22T23:19:00.000+01:00

Not really panicking, but the FFiesta is approaching awfully fast.

Rissa helped me label a lot of the lobsters today, so that's one job pretty well done, and then I tried to print out some of the 'Getting to Know You' game sheets. For some reason the printer is playing up, and it is glacially slow. It took almost two hours to print out about forty sheets, so I have given up for now and will try again tomorrow. The scanner and photocopier bit seems to be working, so at a pinch I can print off one copy of everything I need and then photocopy the rest, but it's a bit of a faff doing it that way. I've got the Treasure Hunt sheets to do as well, and some things for the quiz - the marathon round and some answer sheets, though the latter are not essential - you can always write the answers on blank bits of paper.

On the bright side I am now the proud owner of a Danvers wig, though on the not-so-bright side it's a bit small (I must have a big head) and you can see my natural hair line at the sides, so it does look a bit... artificial. Though looking authentic as a Danversclone is not de rigeur. At least I don't have a full beard.

Actually, I'm surprised I haven't gone naturally grey over night, but that would be taking dedication a step too far!

Quiz Night revisited

2011-05-21T23:39:00.001+01:00

I have just got back from a quiz night. We won (of course ;D) but it was a bit strange - the one at the Ffiesta will be MUCH better.

First off our team was organised by my mate Pete. If you knew him you would guess that that was a bad idea from the start. He rang me up the other day and asked if I wanted to go. I told him not really, as I had loads of things to do (see previous blog posts). Then he rang up last night to check the arrangements and when I said that I wasn't going he said that that was a shame as he'd bought the tickets and he needed a lift! So of course, being a mug I ended up going, and taking him. He had also told me it started at 7:30 when it stated quite clearly on the tickets that it was a 7 pm start. This didn't faze him at all... he didn't mention the start time 'til we turned up late. In fact he made me take a detour to the Offie to buy booze. And then all he said, very vaguely was 'Oh, yes 7 o'clock!'

Well we did get there when they were just starting the second round, only to be told off by the grumpiest quizmaster I have ever come across. I will be a pleasure in comparison! Tony, another member of the team (luckily everybody else had got there on time) said that he thought we were going to be sent to sit at the back without any supper.

This chap fair rattled through the questions - you weren't allowed to ask him to repeat them and if it weren't for the supper break then we would have been finished by half eight. There were only 5 questions to each round, eight rounds but about 70 possible answers to the marathon, so it was very unbalanced. Also the marathon was all about Christian Aid, which is quite a specialist subject - perhaps I could do a round on Housing Finance after all.

Anyway, despite all that it was good fun, and we did win.... a bottle of wine between 6 of us! We had a miniature draw to decide who should take it home and Ted won. Which as he is too young to drink means that it became mine by default! You will be pleased to learn that there is a bottle of wine each for the members of the winning team at the Ffiesta pub quiz.

All in all I think I learned a few lessons about how not to run as quiz, so I shall count it as useful research. However it does mean that yet again my Ffiesta prep has been postponed. I shall be laminating at midnight on Thursday at this rate!

Crusty Cards

2011-05-20T22:37:00.000+01:00

I am totally smitten with Crusty Cards, even though they are not yet available.They are sort of like collectable Top Trumps, only all about lobsters. Plus they make me laugh. What's not to like?

If you are coming to the Ffiesta then there will be one in your Welcome pack and you if you sign up for one of the Gimcrack religions then you will be given another, unique to that religion (not a bribe or anything of course). There will be other opportunities to win or buy additional cards in the hope that you can get a complete set. Of course there is nothing to stop you swapping or trading with your ffellow ffans - I can foresee quite a bit of wheeler-dealering going on and I think you may also have to keep an eye out for illegal Card dealers (as well as cheese smugglers and a black market in lobsters)

Go on, you know you want some!

Parcels

2011-05-20T00:13:00.000+01:00

Last time I ordered a pair of shoes by mail order I found a small packet of Haribo tucked in the packaging. Not that I got to eat any of them because Ted snaffled them straight away, but it all adds to the excitement of receiving a parcel. It's always fun receiving packages through the post, even when I know they're not really for me.

I had a card through my door last night when I got home from work, telling me that they had tried to deliver a packet but nobody was home. Instead of leaving it in the wheelie bin or with my rather strange neighbour as they usually do, I have to go and collect it. I need to take two forms of ID with me including my passport or driving licence and a bank statement, plus the tracking card. It all seems a bit over the top to me, and I told the chap so when I went to collect it tonight...

' I can't imagine anybody would try to impersonate me' I said quite breezily 'in order to pick up a parcel containing three dozen plastic lobsters'. He looked at me quite strangely but was very polite.

Anyway, the package wasn't at the depot because they'd tried to deliver it again today and the driver had got lost because he was a replacement for the regular chap who is off sick. I could have waited about 45 minutes for him to make it back to base, or I can collect it tomorrow, so tomorrow it is. I'm sure it must be the lobsters, because the plane kits have already arrived and I haven't ordered anything else, but I suppose somebody could have sent me a present..

Here be dragons

2011-05-17T22:35:00.000+01:00

Two blog posts in five minutes, I am spoiling you. Or spoiling your day. Anyway, I meant to post this, but didn't, so I'm doing it now.

From the very talented Mrs Neal

List..

2011-05-17T22:24:00.000+01:00

Oh dear, I seem to have been neglecting my blog. Well, neglecting to do anything really. I do have (several) excuses, but they won't get the parsnips buttered.

I have a long list of things I need to do before the Ffiesta, starting with (1) Finish re-writing a Midsummer Night's Dream and ending with (972) Label lobsters*

Gill and I did meet up at the weekend and prepare the Treasure Hunt. Some of the hotel staff asked (very politely) what we were doing. When we said that we were with the Ffiesta they nodded as if all had become clear and said that they remembered the lobsters.

Text of a conversation between me and Ted.

'Let's go into Hobbycraft and look at doll's house furniture'
'What for?'
'I need some miniature garden gnomes for grow your own roundabout kits'
'Mu um... you are SO embarrassing'

Text of a phone conversation between me and Gill
'Guess what I've found...miniature gnomes!'
'Oh, well done... I'm just putting the final touches to the Dodo Whispering'

Do you think we need to get a life?

*Numbering may not be completely accurate

The Next Factor

2011-05-08T23:54:00.000+01:00

or, as it is listed in the programme, 'Swindon's Got Talent'

Do you have a talent? it is one that will amuse and entertain? is it one that will amuse and entertain and can be seen in public?

In that case it may be that SGT is the show for you! A panel of internationally known judges (well, apparently I'm on it and I know that this blog is read all across the world, so that qualifies, and Phil once had a French penfriend, and Gill knows somebody in America, and we all know Laura, and she's from Wales, and she knows us, so no false advertising here. Oh, and Jasper's on it and he really is known internationally... anyway I digress (big surprise there, eh?)) Frankie Saveloy as compere and your very talented selves. Should be interesting.

We are looking forward to seeing everybodys' party piece. so polish up your little recitation, practice your scales, learn the words and come and show us what you can do. I'm looking forward to it and you never know you may be the next Susan Boyle.. Fame awaits!

Going, going on and on...

2011-05-08T00:00:00.000+01:00

I know I've neglected this blog lately, but I have had an excuse, honestly. I've just written twelve and a half thousand words on HRA reform, and that's enough to drive anybody batty. Just another fifteen hundred to do, so writing drivel about the Ffiesta preparations will come as light relief. And I'm not going to write lots today, just about lots (ha ha)

Each time we have had the Ffiesta we have run an auction. At the Ffestival this went on rather longer than we anticipated and it was as well to move every now and then otherwise you were likely to find yourself auctioned off! There wasn't much that didn't get sold - a small babybel cheese went for 'Two of your english pounds' and some of Jasper's home produced roadsigns (Dodos crossing) caused a bidding war. We had only intended to defray expenses but in the end we were able to make a substantial donation to charity.

At the first Ffiesta we had some very generous donations including a signed Pratchett (book, not a replica author) and another bidding war for the signed draft chapter of 'Shades of Grey' that Jasper had read earlier. Research into Alzheimer's is a charity very close to some of our hearts, and particularly given the Pratchett connection, it seemed appropriate to make that our chosen charity for the year.

Last year, among the other lots, we sold off one of the lego Taj Mahals that had been used for the competition, and a lobster, but I can't remember its name.

This year, in an attempt to keep things from going on too long, we are posting a list of lots, so you will be able to take a note of the things that interest you and be ready to make a bid... I don't know what's in there yet, but I believe that the talented Mrs Neal is making a dragon... anyway, all will be revealed in due course.

Now I'm going, going....gone

An egg is not just for Easter...

2011-04-25T22:55:00.000+01:00

as I'm sure Humpty would agree.

As I think I've said before not everything that we plan for the Ffiesta actually makes it. A combination of wildly impractical ideas and too many of them, too little money and time and a certain amount of either incompetence or a belated sense of realism means that sometimes events don't materialise.... though someday we might manage to get the sumo bishops in there somewhere. Last year for example we had an idea for a game involving lots of plastic eggs. Even I am not quite certain how it was going to work and anyway it didn't (work I mean) but I think we still have them somewhere so we may yet find a way to use them.

Whilst I'm on the subject of incompetence Rory has implied, without saying that I am a witless fool, that the Wonky Wheel of Fruit defaults to pineapple, not watermelon, and without climbing up into the loft, assembling it and giving it a trail run, I think she is probably right, so apologies if I have misled anybody. Not that it really matters, because my point was simply that it persistently stopped at the same fruit, but if you were thinking 'Watermelon? The woman has lost her mind, it used to stop on pineapple!' Then you were right (I think) (Not that I have lost my mind simply for getting a fruit confused) (Now I'm woffling (even more than usual) so I shall shut up)

The Wonky Wheel of Fruit

2011-04-22T22:48:00.000+01:00

As I have mentioned before I became embroiled in the Ffiesta when I happened to mention that I thought it would be a good idea to play a round of 'Name that fruit' and was instantly volunteered to organise it.

This meant that first of all I had to devise a format. I think, from something Jasper said, that he envisaged something relatively mundane, with a couple of contestants with buzzers and 'I'll have a Pea please Frankie' (OK, I know a pea is not a fruit, but the opportunity to recycle a Blockbusters joke was just irresistible) (And if a pea is a fruit, then I really don't want to know!). However I envisaged something glitzy but naff, with a suitably smarmy host. (Think of a cross between Bob Monkhouse and Bruce Forsyth, or for those old enough to remember, Hughie Green!) I think we can agree that at least I got the naff right, glitzy however it ain't!

My dad made the wheel of fruit for me out of a bit of hardboard, a couple of lumps of wood and some old shelf brackets he had hanging around in his 'useful cupboard'. Rory and I painted it and stuck on some pictures of fruit, gussied it up with a fluffy flashing thing that Marissa unwisely left lying around the house and ..ta da! Unfortunately however we soon discovered that it was ever so slightly unbalanced and defaulted to 'Watermelon' We tried sticking small weights on the back to even it out, but it didn't work, and they fell off anyway, so we made a virue out of incompetence and fudged the questions slightly.

My original idea had been that there would be six categories of question, one of which was a blind tasting and one of which was pot luck. When it became apparent that almost all of the questions would fall into the same category, I just made that one pot luck and sprinkled the 'Tasting' cards throughout the pack. It made it much simpler for 'Adrian' anyway, he didn't have too remember which category was which.

For some reason we all got it into our heads that the host was Adrian Lush, when, as I'm sure you all know, it should have been Frankie Saveloy. John, in a frightening rubber wig, with Jo as his lovely assistant, summoned up exactly the right blend of unctuous creepiness anyway, even if he was the wrong person and the audience, and the first ever participants, selected as a result of winning a quiz, all seemed to enter into the spirit of things.

John and his rubber wig, Jo and her lemon slice earrings, the wheel and the questions made a further appearance at the second Ffiesta and were just as well received. By this time the contestants' failure to make the wheel stop anywhere but watermelon was already a running joke.

Unfortunately by last year John and Jo had set off to seek a better life in New Zealand (a better life? Ffiesta ffree? surely not!) so Gill's brother Neil and his wife, Katie, stepped in as Frankie Saveloy and assistant and a very good job he made of it too. This year we have a new Frankie Saveloy, but the wheel remains the same, so brush up on your fruit knowledge and it may be your chance to Name That Fruit!

Call My Bluff

2011-04-20T23:05:00.000+01:00

I have been reading the dictionary. And not just a footling one volume thing that anybody might read either, but the huge twenty volume OED that is crammed full of words (OK, I know that all dictionaries are full of words, but not like this one, believe me!)

I'm not reading it cover to cover or anything, just dipping in to it to find some good words for 'Call My Bluff'. It's brilliant. There are words in there that you cannot conceive of ever needing to use. 'Leep' for example - 'to wash with cow dung and water' - why would you do that, and if you did, would you talk about it? Or 'tableity' - 'the state of being a table' (Neither of those are words that I have selected for CMB this year incidentally, but it may pay you to remember them just in case...)

I would suspect the compilers of making up some of the words but why would they need to bother? There are just so many words out there that just writing down the real ones, with all their variants, is a full time job. Which is just as well if you are a lexicographer.

I remember watching the old Call My Bluff with my Granny, many years ago, when up popped the word 'Tharm'. 'Oh,' she said 'that's part of a pig's intestine that you'd use as a sausage skin'. And then that's what Frank Muir said. She was right, it's an old Lincolnshire dialect word, but that's the only time I've ever known anybody actually know a word, it's usually a case of guessing.

Mind you when we played CMB at the FFiesta previously even guessing wouldn't necessarily get you very far. I handed out the cards for one of the words to the three volunteers and was very surprised when none of the definitions read out was the correct one. Somebody, who will remain nameless for now, had not liked the definition I had passed to him, perhaps thinking it too pedestrian, or maybe not convincing enough, and had not simply embroidered on it, but had changed it completely. The look of guilt mixed with shock on his face when he moved his thumb and discovered that it had been covering the word 'True' written in the corner of the card, was a picture.

Perhaps strangely, I was the only person to guess that the correct definition was something completely different to any of those that had been read out. (Well, technically I didn't guess, since I knew the answer already, but I was the only person to get it right, and since I'm not allowed to play, I have to take my pleasures where I find them)

I hope that you are now all looking forward to the Ffiesta so much that you are fnding it hard not to tripudiate.

Time trials

2011-04-19T23:59:00.001+01:00

Lego. It seems that practically everybody loves it. Except Gill who can obviously take it or leave it. Last year Jasper organised the competitive team lego event. Two teams and the Taj Mahal, or rather two separate Taj Mahals... 5922 pieces each. (I just had to look that up and the description of the kit reads 'requires assembly'...I rather thought that was the point. It doesn't say if it contains nuts though, or if you can drive and operate machinery whilst putting it together.... but I digress)

Anyway, Jasper describes the competition elsewhere and rather better than I could, so if you want to read about it you can go to his site.

It was a keenly fought event and we had lots more people wanting to take part than we had space for. So this year we are doing it all over again, but with Tower Bridge (only 4287 pieces, but that does include a London taxi and a double decker bus) (in lego, not real ones, or that would be a bargain). Interestingly, according to Amazon, this doesn't require any assembly, so it should be a very short competition. Assuming however that Amazon is wrong and there is some putting together to be done we will again be recruiting two teams.

This time though we intend to have proper selection criteria for the teams...time trials. A competition against the clock and each other to build a small model out of lego. Penalties for faults. We are counting on you all to play fair.

Quiz night

2011-04-18T23:12:00.000+01:00

This year we will be having a pub quiz in the bar on Friday night, before the Ffiesta starts. It is not an official part of the weekend, just something to do for those who turn up early (entirely optional) It won't be Fforde related, though as I am the quizmaster some of the questions are likely to relate to one or more of my current obsessions - so if you want to be sure of a decent score you might like to brush up your knowledge of housing finance reform. (No, I wouldn't be that cruel)

Each of the other Fforganisers will be heading up a team and there is likely to be some healthy rivalry. Either that or a fight to the death. No doubt they will be recruiting people for their teams.

We are intending to allow entry to anybody at the hotel, not just Ffiesta-goers, but Derek has pointed out that on the Friday evening there is a Take That tribute night at the de Vere and I'm not entirely sure that we will be able to entice many of them away from the delights of an ersatz Robbie Williams. Perhaps if we did another Strontium Goat gig....

Pieces of eight, pieces of eight!

2011-04-17T22:27:00.000+01:00

This year we have decided to do something different and have a treasure hunt. I'm a bit worried about it because we are having it outside and we will be at the mercy of both the weather and of strangers. However, even if it's piddling down I expect you to remember that this is England, we can cope with a little damp and we can soldier on with our upper lips stiff even if the rest of us is soggy.

Knowing how many of the lobsters went missing last year we are not going to be leaving clues about the place and you won't have to dig or anything to find the treasure, you'll have to come back to me with a list of answers and if you are right, and if you are first, you will win a prize.

Hopefully the weather will be fine and it will be an opportunity to take a pleasant stroll around the hotel and environs. Or an opportunity to dash around hoping to identify things relating to your surroundings. All very mysterious. X marks the spot.

Day trip to Swindon - home again

2011-04-16T22:53:00.000+01:00

Well, we had quite a fruitful Fforganiser meeting. In ffact we are quite Fforganised. At least it seems that way, which doesn't mean that there won't be a last minute panic.

One of the things that we are all quite excited about is croquet lessons and demonstrations. Apparently one of the stalwarts of the local croquet club is a big ffan and they are coming along with some equipment so that people can have a go, and can receive some hints and tips. I rather suspect that the equipment that they bring along will not include a picnic table, or shrubbery, but one never knows! I believe that Penelope Hrar will also be in attendance.

Day trip to Swindon

2011-04-16T09:10:00.000+01:00

I'm just off to Swindon for a Fforganiser meeting. It's getting close now, and there aren't many more meetings. So I hope that our enthusiasm (read:stupidity) doesn't get the better of us so that we decide to introduce 4 more events. Anyway, I shall report back later with an update!

Lobster Space Invaders

2011-04-15T22:27:00.000+01:00

http://www.twitvid.com/K5RWF

I'm not entirely sure what this has to do with lobsters, perhaps it was just that it's wet, perhaps it was just that we got carried away by the whole lobster thing, but Lobster Space Invaders it is.

That's me banging the drum that you can hear. I said that I should have been Ms Beats in Strontium Goat, but here was another opportunity to show off my drumming talent. Though you will no doubt have noticed the complete absence of paradiddles. Or indeed of any talent.

We did have some trouble getting all of those water balloons filled and this year I have deputised young Ted to do the job, but I think I will need to keep an eye on him from a distance or otherwise I suspect that a great many of them won't make it to the game. I'm not sure whether he shoud be allowed to take part given that last year he started to throw the unbroken bombs back. Completely alien to the spirit of the thing! (alien...see what I did there?)

If you take part you will be allocated a team poncho at random.

The play's the thing

2011-04-14T22:07:00.000+01:00

In the beginning was Richard III at The Ritz. Only it was The Beehive. So when we had the Ffestival we invited the Swindon Players along to do it all over again.

At the ffirst Ffiesta we decided that we'd do something a little different so John and Jo chopped Shakespeare about a bit and we had an extremely condensed version of Richard III, with added audience participation. We pulled names out of a hat to see who would play which part - I was first messenger I remember. It went down very well, although it was a little stilted because everybody had to read their lines.

Then last year Jasper came up with the idea of Hamlet, Prince of Zombies, which was all very well, until about a week before the Ffiesta it became apparent that nobody had done anything about it. We decided that as we had advertised this as one of the main attractions we had to go ahead and write it ourselves. Somehow I found myself volunteered for this job. Doing 'Name That Fruit', the quiz, writing the rule book, swan warnings and translating the menus into Ffiestaspeak wasn't enough it seemed. Anyway, glutton for punishment that I am I agreed. Matt came up with some really good ideas and in line with my usual talent for procrastination I wrote 'To be or not to be', (you didn't know that was all my work did you?!) together with an introduction, came up with a plot line of sorts and decided that we would do it as improv. And thanks to all the brilliant Ffiesta-ites it worked!

We had the footnoterphone, Jasper and others doing the dance from 'Thriller' an extremely cute zombie baby (unbiassed opinion here!), Danversclones, extreme knitting and some serious misspelling. Jordan was a very theatrical Hamlet and, amazingly for a tragedy, it had a happy ending.

This year we are doing 'A Midsummer Night's Dream - The Panto' rewritten for minotaur and Danvers. It could be a tragedy.

Lies, damn lies and just plain rubbish

2011-04-13T21:53:00.000+01:00

OK, I admit to making up at least one thing in each of the blog posts about my ffellow Fforganisers. Prize of a packet of Crusty Cards to the first person to correctly identify all the fabrications - and only the fabrications.

And all the stuff about me is correct.

LOBSTER STORY OF THE DAY

Police in Rochester, New Hampshire are looking for a woman accused of stealing 14 lobsters..Police said the woman asked for a selection of lobsters and then left the store without paying for them. She walked out with about 16 pounds of lobster meat, with a value of more than $100. Security said she was only in the store for 10 minutes.

Meet the Fforganisers Part 7 - Me!

2011-04-12T21:38:00.000+01:00

I'm the other original Fforganiser. Somehow I volunteered to help out. At the first meeting I mentioned that it might be fun to do an episode of 'Name that Fruit' and Phil said 'Oh, well, you can organise that then!' So I did. And I got my dad to build the wonky wheel (though it wasn't originally intended to be wonky, it's just a bit crap!) and the rest is history. I also write the quizzes and do some other stuff - mainly to do with lobsters.

If you came last year you will have met my family, including Zombie baby. Poor child, he's probably mentally scarred for life, but he loved having a fuss made of him.

Interesting facts about me are few and far between, because really I'm a very boring person. I work in Local Government and am writing a dissertation on Housing Finance. (Told you!)

I used to have a habit of getting bits of my anatomy stuck in things and had to be cut out of an article of clothing by a fireman. A different fireman had to extricate me from a desk.

I have never run a marathon, but I once knitted a teacosy.

Meet the Fforganisers Part 6 - Derek

2011-04-11T23:37:00.000+01:00

First of all I meant to link to Elizabeth's blog yesterday, but I forgot, so I've done it now (I think). She's really getting nervous now, and I'm not surprised.. it's a long way to run.

Anyway, on to Derek.

Derek is also a new Fforganiser, and he is Elizabeth's brother. And he lives in Swindon, which is very handy, because it means that this year we have somebody who knows the plalce a bit and can make sure things go smoothly (I know it's the Ffiesta, but we shall see).

Derek is 99 years old, at least that's what it says on his facebook profile and I'm sure you'll all agree he looks very good on it.

Derek is an environmental scientist, but he always wanted to be a train driver and he has built a quarter scale steam engine and track in his back garden. He is also an amateur chef and has actually made Apples Benedict.

Meet the Fforganisers Part 5 - Elizabeth

2011-04-10T18:14:00.000+01:00

Elizabeth is one of our new Fforganisers this year, so if it all goes wrong, it's probably all her fault!

There are lots of interesting things I can tell you about Elizabeth, but the most impressive is that she only started running in May last year but is competing in the London marathon nest weekend. She is running for Aspire and you can read all about it in her blog.

She's a primary school teacher in London and the children in her class speak 27 languages. As a result she has become fluent in Xhosa, which is a click language and can say 'Sit down and pay attention!' and 'Do you need a wee?' in all 27.

She was once in an award winning film, but hasn't told me which one. She may have been an ewok! She has worked for various theatre companies, and as a result can whip a man's clothes off in 20 seconds (and get him dressed again almost as quickly.

She is obsessed with medieval history and has written a novel, but has not yet had time to edit it.

Finally she can read the Tarot cards.

Meet the Fforganisers Part 4 - Matt

2011-04-08T23:00:00.000+01:00

The Ffiesta has always been lucky with its Treasurers. Previously we had Jo who always kept the accounts in order and when she (and John) left us for pastures new (abandoned us for New Zealand) we were very worried that we wouldn't be able to find anybody else to do such a good job, but then Matt volunteered and has managed to keep up the same exacting standard.

Matt is a man of many talents, not only can he add up (I hope) he is a dab hand at making things. From minature croquet lawns complete with tea parties to full range colour swatches the Ffiesta has been the richer for his handiwork.

In his spare time Matt likes to shake a hankie and bells and is leader of his local clog morris group. He also keeps geese and is hoping to breed one which will lay golden eggs. So far his finest achievement in this field is a pale yellow egg, which, when aligned with magnetic north, glows a brighter colour. This may have some use as a compass which can be eaten if you are too badly lost to find civilisation before tea time, but unfortunately this strain has failed to breed true.

Matt has a good stock of aniseed balls and flying saucers for sale if you are interested.

Meet the Fforganisers Part 3 - Laura

2011-04-07T23:20:00.000+01:00

The first thing I need to tell you about Laura is that she is Welsh. She is also invaluable to the Fforganising team. When I said yesterday that Gill practically runs the Ffiesta that wasn't meant to denigrate the work of the other Fforganisers and Laura does a brilliant job with the publicity and the programme and stuff. I think she is also the official keeper of President-for-Life Formby. Even though she's welsh, and therefore from the Socialist Republic, she still has enormous respect for the great man. (Despite folding him up and fitting him her suitcase)

Anyway, she is the only one who gave me some info about herself for this blog and it's far more interesting than anything I could make up, so all of this is true.

As a guest lecturer in Creative Writing at Oxford she once taught Sir Roger Bannister. She's welsh, and from the same village as Joe Calzaghe, Steve Strange and billionaire Terry Matthews.

Her hobbies are walking, cooking and singing, though not necessarily all at the same time (though she can multi-task) and she says she's obsessed with folklore and mythology. She's welsh, from Wales.

Laura's ambition is to create world peace and she is involved in a project to create a reproduction of the Bayeux Tapestry from pasta.

Oh, and did I mention she's welsh?

Meet the Fforganisers Part 2 - Gill

2011-04-06T22:56:00.000+01:00

Whenever I meet Gill I am always surprised that she is not wearing her knickers over her trousers as she is some kind of Superwoman. In fact, if I didn't like her so much, I'd be scared. She is spookily efficient and practically runs the Ffiesta. She certainly keeps us all organised. This is so far from my usual modus operandi of procrastination and barely concealed panic as to make us seem like different species. She is another of the original Fforganisers, was there at The Beehive and has been there ever since.

She lives in Chippenham with her husband and two daughters and works in the Wiltshire County Archives. She keeps a mummified cat at work and two living breathing cats at home.

She is very talented and crafty (in the sense that she makes things, not that she is sly) and all of the crotched dodos were her work.

Gill also plays the spoons and can recite the alphabet backwards in Spanish.

Meet the Fforganisers Part 1 - Phil

2011-04-05T22:43:00.000+01:00

It is Phil you have to blame for the Ffiesta. The first time I met him (and also Gill incidentally) was at the first ever public performance of Jasper's work (I know that because I have a signed flyer from him saying exactly that) - Richard III at the Beehive,

Phil and I had 'met' on line previously and arranged to meet up in person. When I got there he was busy chatting up a journalist and was laying out his plans for a Ffordian event to top all others. He refused to call it a convention though.

Anyway we had a top evening, but I heard no more about this idea for some months - although we did get a (quite flattering) mention in the Times weekend magazine supplement - I think I was described as 'shy, highly articulate' - and much younger than I was. Entirely accurate characterisation I'm sure you will agree! (For some reason my friends fall about laughing at the 'shy' bit) Some time later the idea did resurface on the Fforde Fforum though and the rest is history.

Anyway, Phil.... ( I think I should say here that I asked the other Fforganisers to provide some biographical detail about themselves, threatening that if they didn't I would make it up. Some or all of this may not be true)

Phil's fforum name, for those of you who frequent the place, is Ptolemy, named after a tortoise. He is a stalwart of his village cricket club and was very helpful to me once in working out a cricket related puzzle. He enjoys psychedelic music and organises musical tea parties.

Phil has a lovely, long-suffering wife and two grown up children, He keeps hens and has a very cute dog.

In his younger years Phil was taught to knit by the Bishop of Bath and Wells.

When you see him at the Ffiesta come up and chat. He doesn't bite (that last bit really is true)

Whose stupid idea was THAT?!

2011-04-04T22:39:00.000+01:00

Sometimes things we plan for the Ffiesta just don't work. The prime example of this was the magic roundabout game we had last year. Jasper originally made the suggestion in one of our meetings that it would be good to have a game based on the Magic Roundabout involving one participant in a blindfold being guided round by another person shouting directions, somebody else suggested doing it on spacehoppers and it all took off from there. I have to admit that it sounded hilarous when we were talking about it and we all thought it would be great fun.

And it just...wasn't. It was too hard. Do you have any idea of how physically exhausting it is to bounce around around six paddling pools filled with plastic balls - and how disorientating it is when blindfolded? Well, of course some of you do, because you did, but it was a bit of a disaster really. It was generally too slow to watch so the spectators got bored and wandered off, and people fell off or just got fed up. Anyway we won't be doing that again, though on the plus side the winners, Ine and Yvonne, completed the course in spectacular style and a time hours faster than anybody else.

On the other hand sometimes events are far more popular than we anticipate, and these are often just little sidelines - extreme knitting for example and throwing paper airplanes, which seem to keep people amused for hours.

We still have lots of ideas though, not all of which we have managed to shoe-horn into the weekend - sumo bishop wrestling anybody?

Lobsters again!

2011-04-03T23:47:00.000+01:00

Thanks to the Ffiesta I have become slightly obsessed with lobsters, as I'm sure you've noticed. Those of you who have been following this blog (and I know there are a few of you, so thank you) probably groaned when you saw the title of this post, and thought 'Not blimmin' lobsters again, the woman is obsessed!' Which just proves my point.

Anyway, whilst not quite living in a shrine to lobsters, I do seem to have quite a few about the house. And not just the box of Swindon lobsters sharing my bedroom, which I mentioned the other day. I have, in no particular order; a lobster dog toy (which the dog is not allowed to play with), a lobster bath toy (which Tyke is allowed to play with) a lobster bath sponge, a lobster teether, a lobster rattle, a cuddly lobster, lobster T shirts and several lobster ornaments. I even had a lobster tattoo (temporary obviously) for a while last year!

My kids, who used to cringe with embarrassment at my excitement at spotting yet another lobster, have now become inured to my cries and even join in the hunt. I'm a bit surprised that I didn't get a lobster of some sort or another for Mother's day, but we've proably exhausted the supply locally!

I am also a repository of strange lobster facts, and if there is a song or poem referencing them that I am not aware of I shall be amazed.

I realise that I am probably setting myself up for being accosted at the next Ffiesta and asked lobster trivia questions, which I shall probably not know the answer to and thereby look a fool! Ho hum!

(but I do know that the biggest lobster ever caught weighed over 44lbs)

Lobsters!

2011-03-31T23:48:00.000+01:00

One of the surprise hits of the last Ffiesta was 'Hunt the Lobster'.

The hotel was very accommodating about our request to scatter approximately 100 small plastic crustaceans about the place and many of the staff gave us helpful suggestions about where to put them (actually on re-reading that it sounds as if they were being impolite, but they were genuinely engaged with the lobster spotting) The chap in charge of the cleaners could be heard explaining that they shouldn't be moved and I think the lady on the reception desk grew quite attached to Burnie. Mind you he is quite cuddly!

Ffiesta goers got quite enthusiastic about the hunt and I believe there was a bit of sabotage going on with lobsters being moved and hidden elsewhere. In fact quite a number of them went missing altogether..tut, tut! If you want a genuine Swindon lobster you will be able to buy a signed one this year, but those taking part in the game are not domesticated and will not make good pets, - if you handle them they may bite! (or something).

The non Ffiesta guests at the De Vere however were rather bemused by the plethora of small plastic lobsters. Well, actually I suppose it's fair to say that they were bemused by more than just the lobsters - the shrine to President for Life Formby drew a few puzzled stares and we had quite an audience for March of the Danvers and Space Invaders, but the lobsters in particular seemed to attract attention, perhaps because it began to feel as if you couldn't escape them...everywhere you went there was likely to be a lobster with its name on a big brown label, like a displaced evacuee. Maybe that's why so many went missing, people felt sorry for them and wanted to give them a good home - was the label a bit too reminiscent of Paddington and 'Please take care of this bear'? Anyway, I can assure you that they are well looked after and already have a good home here with me.

They are back again this year, and they have all been renamed and relabelled, just in case anybody had committed the list of about 100 names and the corresponding numbers to memory! We are dispensing with the quiz element of the hunt though - mist poeple seemed to ignore that bit.

Swindon's only jogger

2011-03-30T22:09:00.000+01:00

The bus tour has always been a popular event - an opportunity to visit some Ffordian landmarks.

The first tour was the year of the Ffestival. We had an open topped double decker and fortunately it didn't rain.

Highlights included Goliath headquarters, the SpecOps building, the Brunel Tower and the Double Helix of Carfax. We also stopped at the site of the Cathderal of St Zvylkx. We caused a bit of a stir, about thirty of us piling off the bus in the carpark and taking pictures of Tescos. We also took in Thursday's mum's house...only a drive past, but I can just imagine a rather bemused householder having a stream of tourists wander into his garden like migrating mammoths, peer through the windows and examine the garden shed. Although he did miss out on the opportunity to get some extra electricity generated to run his TV as we went through the gate.

Somewhere between the roundabout nursery (where they grow baby roundabouts) and Goliath we passed a jogger. 'Oh look' said Jasper 'there's Michelle - Swindon's only jogger' Of course, who should we pass just around the next corner, but another jogger - apparently Michelle's understudy. For some reason we passed a seemingly unending stream of joggers and Jasper's explanations for their presence grew wilder and more desperate. We had the understudy's understudy, an imposter, a rival from another town and so on. I think he was extremely relieved when we arrived back at the hotel.

At the 2008 Ffiesta we had relocated to the De Vere and the tour followed a somewhat different route although we managed to take in many of the same sites. We had a much snazzier bus though - a vintage model which was very reminiscent of the Austen Rover on the cover of 'First Among Sequels' In fact it drew quite a lot of attention - especially when we circled the magic roundabout several times.

Last year, due in part to the absence of a Fforganiser on the ground in Swindon and in part to our inabiliy to source a suitable affordable vehicle we didn't run the tour. This year, due to popular demand, it is returning. Derek is busily working out a suitable route and checking it out for timings (I wonder if he's jogging round it?) and to make it all that bit more enjoyable we shall be selling refreshments on the coach.

I'm looking forward to it. At least it's an opportunity for me to sit down!

Marmite and Marzipan

2011-03-29T23:21:00.000+01:00

Marzipan seems to be one of those things, like Marmite and liver, that divides people. Either you love it or you hate it, no middle ground. Now, I am aware that there are some perfectly nice, respectable people who don't like either marmite or marzipan but I always feel slightly disappointed when somebody I like and respect isn't a fan of one or the other as I am inordinately fond of both. That obviously extends to fictional characters as I felt a distinct pang when I learnt that Thursday hates marzipan.

I took cheese and marmite sandwiches to school every single day (creature of habit, me?) and still consider a cheese and marmite panini to be a real treat. I usually have one at the Fforganiser meetings now that there is a Starbucks at the De Vere.

Marzipan makes me think of my Gran, or rather battenburg does, she always used to have one in the tin when we went round to visit. That and seed cake.

My sister hated marzipan and I always used to have hers from the Christmas cake. My mum always made and iced the cake and the marzipan was really thick and yummy, so it's just as well we don't all like the same things. Which is why, if you tell me you don't like marzipan, I see it less as a minor character defect on your part, more of an oppportunity for extra marzipan for me.

And if you are sat there thinking 'She should have changed that post and called it 'Marmite, Marx and Marzipan', I think I love you.

Dressing Up

2011-03-29T00:15:00.000+01:00

It is perfectly possible to come and enjoy the Ffiesta without dressing up at all. In fact I have done it. Yes, that frazzled 'hair-all-awry-looks-like-she got-dressed-in-the-dark-from-the-ragbag' look is the genuine me, and not some persona I adopt for the Ffiesta.

However there is no doubt that for some people the opportunity to dress up in daft costumes amongst like minded folk is a big part of the Ffordian experience. The Somerset contingent always embrace this opportunity with gusto and not a little flair. We have had mass Danvering from them before it became quite the done thing and last year's experience of being stared at by a row of generics whilst talking about the casting for 'Hamlet, Prince of Zombies' was quite spooky and more than a bit unnerving.

Fancy dress, even for the fancy dress gala dinner is always optional and costumes have ranged from the dramatic and elaborate (I know that for the Ffestival we had at least one wedding dress set on fire to ensure an authentic Havisham look) through the almost certainly hot and uncomfortable (a gorilla in a pinafore) to the quite frankly bizarre (cheese smugglers in false moustaches and flasher macs, Isambard Kingdom Bunuel with lobster tie). Phil's approach has always been quite minimalist... a clerical collar and he thinks he's Joffy, whereas Gill made a fabulous Lola complete with artificial fruit. Last year we even had Tyke in no costume at all, just a nappy, but full zombie make up!

Anyway, this year I am definitely dressing up, I just need a costume that makes me look fabulous, darling!

George Formby

2011-03-25T22:01:00.000Z

I think my favourite memory of the last Ffiesta came when I stepped out of the lift into the foyer. An elderly couple had just exited the other lift a few seconds earlier. The old boy took a few paces forwards and stopped, a look of amazement on his face....'Is that George Formby over there?' he asked his wife. She, however, had noticed the lobster hanging from the chandelier and was gazing at it in puzzlement. 'It is, it is George Formby' he insisted. She was still ignoring him and had walked up to stand underneath the lobster and was peering at it more closely. He walked up to the Formby shrine and read the notice, muttering to himself. Then he turned around and gathered up his still confused wife, shepherding her into the dining room. 'I don't know what HE's bloody doing here!'

Those of you who attended the 2010/1985 Ffiesta will be no stranger to the cult of Formby. The shrine, complete with two eternal flames (well, semiternal, I think the battery has gone in one of them!) an aspidistra and a portrait of George in full regalia, wearing the insignia of the Ukelele and crossed oak leaves awarded to a select few, allows respectful contemplation of the great man and the opening ceremony involves community singing of 'Leaning on a Lamppost', whilst the weekend is bought to a close with a rendition of 'When I'm cleaning windows' A fitting tribute to our President for Life, as I'm sure you will agree.

So if you are planning to come this year, you could do no better preparation than watching a few Formby videos and learning the words.

Strontium Goat

2011-03-24T22:51:00.000Z

When I was seven Miss Waters told me my singing was flat and I had to stand in the back row and mime. I also had to wear thick NHS specs and so was not allowed to take part in the Nativity play... 'Mary wouldn't wear glasses dear' I was always an angel (back row again, so I didn't have to move about the stage tripping over things (glasses off, of course - I was blind as a bat)) Honestly you can't imagine a teacher saying that to a child these days can you?

Anyway, psychologically scarred by this as I am, I don't sing/perform in public - which I guess has saved me from appearing on X Factor to be mocked by the nation. But then the opportunity to be a part of the Strontium Goat pre-union tour was offered to me - and who could turn down something like that?

My first choice was to be the drummer, as virtually my only musical knowledge relates to the paradiddle (other than a rather worryingly detailed knowledge of Billy Bragg lyrics that is) but Phil bagsied that role so I opted to be the bass player. I always thought bass players were the coolest members of the band anyway.

We had remarkably little rehearsal time (this was a pre-union tour remember - we could do all that stuff in the future) but Clara did a fabulous job with the songs, which she recorded professionally and we had some great t shirt slogans sorted.

Come the big night we even had a support band - Jordan warmed the crowd up nicely for us and we came on to rapturous applause. We did a full set and the songs seemed to go down very well. The Goatees looked brill and we all sounded excellent. I didn't actually have to play you understand, and although I did sing I didn't have a microphone and you couldn't hear me.... I might as well have been standing at the back miming!

I think my kids were a bit embarrassed but I bet Lourdes wishes her mother would stop making a show of herself too.

I can quite see the attraction of super-stardom from the brief taste I had .. the fame!...the adulation!....the money! OK, I didn't actually see any of that, but it was a great buzz whilst it lasted. Perhaps I will try out for the X factor after all....

Useless ConStuff

2011-03-23T22:24:00.000Z

One of the joys of being a Fforganiser is that I get to share my bedroom with a load of strange stuff (oo-er missus) as I have many of the props we use for the Ffiesta cluttering up the place.

Last year I travelled down to Swindon with Marissa and Tyke (Zombie baby, yay!) in a car filled with, among other things, a crate of assorted plastic lobsters, all individually named and labelled, the wonky wheel of fruit, several hundred plastic balls, 10 plastic paddling pools and a suitcase full of t shirts. Its a good job we didn't have a puncture and need to call out the RAC as I suspect we would have been taken somewhere nice and quiet with padded walls for a rest. Which would have been quite pleasant actually.

However this was probably not quite as bizarre as Laura's journey - she travelled from Oxford on the bus with a life-size George Formby cutout. The things we do to make it a good weekend!

Anyway all of this stuff, together with jigsaws, 'Hosing the Dolly' CDs, programmes, knitted battenburg slices and a very sinister looking knitted Mrs Danvers (a prototype that didn't quite work out) is now sat at my house waiting to be transported back again. Ted is already moaning at the prospect of the car being cramped - he had to come down by bus last year and it was 'the worst journey in the world' (I'm not sure Capt Oates would have agreed, but hey ho! - no stamina teenagers today!)

Now I wonder who has the plastic ponchos for the Space Invader Game....

T shirt quotes

2011-03-22T22:43:00.000Z

One of my jobs for the last couple of Ffiestas has been searching out suitable quotes for the Fforganisers T shirts. As those of you who have been before know we can not only be identified by our harried look and barely suppressed gibbering but by our t shirts with Ffordian quotes on them. This makes us relatively easy to avoid, or, if you really need to know when human space invaders will take place, where you can find the lyrics for Leaning on a Lampost, or if there is a spare grey wig available for the Danvers Square bashing, they make us easier to spot.

Anyway, it's always fun scouring the books for quotes and I finished doing so last week so that we could sort out who was having what written on their T shirt. I'm really pleased with mine this year, even though I did change it at the last minute from another quote that I liked almost as much. I think everybody else is happy with theirs, and we caused much hilarity reading out snippets such as 'I'm taking next Wednesday off to have my beak oiled' and 'What would tigers and a macaroon be doing in an aviation novel?' both of which were (reluctantly) rejected in the end.

I have also found that the t shirts are great ice breakers. The number of conversations that have been started by somebody staring at my chest in a bemused manner (OK, OK, settle down at the back there please!) and saying 'Where are we going to find a lobotomised monkey at this time of night?' in a very puzzled tone is well into double figures and has kicked off some great discussions. I wonder if this year's quote will be quite as successful in that respect.!

Gimcrack Religions

2011-03-21T23:00:00.000Z

One of the things the Fforganisers are doing this year is setting up their own gimcrack religion and recruiting followers. Now, I've long believed that I have a great many valuable insights to share, and of course I have come up with some very important guiding principles, so many of you will no doubt be eager to join my little band as acolytes.

I'm sure that none of you would be so credulous as to fall for the blandishments of my colleagues, poor misguided fools that they are, so I won't dignify their claims by discussing them here.

Anyway, for those of you who do decide to join me there will be not only a a copy of the main tenets of the religion for your spiritual guidance, but also a special limited edition Crusty Card for your collection - available only to members of the siblinghood.

(I believe the others will be offering similar, although clearly inferior, inducements - the main difference of course being that theirs appears to be a crude attempt at a bribe, whereas mine is more of a reward for the faithful)

Extreme Spatula Makeover

2011-03-20T13:55:00.000Z

Have just been out and bought the stuff for ESM. I think the lady on the checkout thought I was slightly strange buying all of those spatulas but hey ho, we've got at least one person keen to join in - Rissa is planning a sparkly one with googly eyes I think - very tasteful of course.

Must remember to take my wig and sunglasses this year so I can take part in the Legion of the Danvers - hey!who wouldn't want to be part of a world record event.

Ffiesta Planning

2011-03-19T23:36:00.000Z

Had a great meeting with the other Fforganisers in Swindon today. The updated de Vere/Finis, renamed the Village, is looking good. There is now a Starbucks where you can go for the ambience a la Stubbs if you want to not buy coffee, although they do do a very tasty cheese and marmite panini as well. And you can not buy that either if you are a not a marmite lover. Although of course we all did. And Gill and Laura managed to drink hot chocolate with whipped cream much more elegantly than I ever could. I would have had a full cream moustache plus some on the end of my nose.

The next Ffiesta is coming up fast and the planning is going well. Thanks to the efficient among us we look set to have a really brilliant, if somewhat surreal, weekend. Some old favourites (Name that Fruit, Lego Building, Lobster Space Invaders, Hunt the Lobster, Gala Dinner and Fancy dress, Poetic Angst etc) plus some new and improved stuff. We've got an optional quiz in the bar the evening before the whole thing kicks off, and a picnic for anybody that wants to stay on the day after it ends. Hopefully nobody will get crushed by a Hispano-Suiza.

Jasper will be giving us an exclusive reading and will be available for a Q&A session as well as being around and mingling the whole weekend.

The bus tour is returning, better than ever thanks to Derek, although he's got a lot to live up to. I believe he's been trudging round Swindon seeking out the best route to take in all the sights

Instead of Hamlet and Zombies we have A Midsummer Night's Dream - The Panto, complete with minotaur and Damevers (Oh no we haven't... Oh yes we have!) Hamlet will still be an important presence though and after the success of the synchronised speed soliloquy in German last year we are hoping others will take up the challenge in many different languages...including Klingon!

After the Gala dinner we have a talent contest - Ffordians Got Talent - though I think The Next Factor might be a better name. I will only take part if you are very unlucky, but I'm certain we'll have some brilliant acts.

You can take croquet lessons from an expert (really) and there is a treasure hunt around and about, plus dodo whispering demonstrations, grow your own roundabout, knitting, extreme spatula makeover, colour by numbers and loads of other stuff. Blimey, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

And I mustn't forget Crusty Cards, I fully expect them to be the next big thing - can YOU collect them all?